June 6, 2001

How it might have happened in 1908

The council commission meeting of Salada Beach will please come to order. The first item on our agenda is a proposal by Mr. Henry Harrison McCloskey to build a castle on the rocky ridgeline east of the Ocean Shore railway track.

The chair recognizes council commissioner Curtis.

Mr. Chairman, I object to this monster house. It will be utilizing entirely too much stone, marble and statuary. It's much too big and it's clearly out of proportion to its surroundings. If we allow such a solid, permanent and unique structure so near the tents and summer shacks which serve our small community so well, I predict it won't be long before the Presbyterian Church will want to build a little church on the west side of the railroad tracks. Even worse, they might insist on painting it brown.

Thank you, Mr. Curtis. I suggest that you can achieve your goal of keeping Salada Beach sparsely settled the way it is today, in 1908, by requiring Mr. McCloskey to produce an Environmental Impact Report. That way, we won't have to turn him down. We'll just make sure that his over-fancy home never gets built by miring him in minutiae.

Yes, Mr. McCloskey. You have three minutes to rebut Mr. Curtis. Honorable Council Commission Chairman Rohte and Council Commissioners: My plan is to build an Irish, or perhaps a Scottish castle, a solid, earthquake proof home that will be worthy to take its place as a showplace among unique Coastal homes, a home that will be remarked on and admired by the passengers who pass by on the trains of the Ocean Shore Railway by which I am employed as an attorney. My son Paul plans to commute to Lowell High School on the Ocean Shore.

Mr. Rohte: Mr. McCloskey, that is precisely the problem. Not only is your proposed castle too, well, castle-like, it would occupy too prominent a spot on the ridgeline. Rail passengers would see it. Some may be offended by it. Passersby in horse-drawn buggies on the county trail below will be distracted and annoyed that they cannot view one more barren hillside. The commission, with the exception of Mr. Anderson, is agreed that your castle must be relocated so as to be hidden from view. If you are to have your castle, it must be built in the lea of a sand dune, hidden away, so that no one will ever see it and be troubled by its visible presence. If Salada Beach is to be a success, only a few people can be allowed to live here, and they can't be allowed to live in castles. In addition, no pier, no artificial barriers of rock or stone, no seawalls must ever be allowed to prevent the normal erosive action of the ocean waves. Not only that, but the members of this Council Commission are concerned that you are well-off and can afford a fancier home than any of us. Actually, we're also certain you plan to make it a small hotel or a bed and breakfast. We don't feel you can be trusted to keep this a private home.

You wish to speak, Council Commissioner Inches?

Yes, Mr. Chairman. Has anyone checked for the presence of the potentially endangered White Cabbage Butterfly? I have seen two within a half mile of the proposed castle.

Thank you, Mr. Inches. I'm sure we have postponed construction of Mr. McCloskey's castle for at least 99 years. The next person to speak will be Mr. John McLaren for the City and County of San Francisco. I understand you wish to speak about the possibility of a golf course on the old Sharp Ranch, Mr. McLaren.

Paul Azevedo's e-mail address is thereactor2@earthlink.net