Betsy Shebang - Column for 4/16

Chapter 14

"What are you going to do?"

Shauna waited, deciding whether to bother answering. "We're going to be alone."

"They only gave us one key."

"We'll stay here."

"Do you want to get food?"

"We'll order pizza."

I shrugged, or shook my head, or something. "Fine."

"Now, don't get all pissy about it."

"I'm just...hungry. I'm gonna go get some dinner." I pulled my things into my backpack, looked around and left Shauna in the room.


I took the car and noisily pulled out of the parking lot, not knowing how far Id finally go. Would they be better off if I just left them there and drove away? It wasnt a mean question. I really didn't know.

I found a Pokeys restaurant a few blocks from the hotel. Didn't feel like far enough.

I left a lot of stuff in the room. I wanted to be productive - and I hoped it wasnt a habit I was picking up from Shauna - so at the restaurant I set out to write in my journal for two hours straight. Perhaps a delightful screenplay would evolve from my stinky little geyser of self-pity, or maybe Id look deep enough into my own frustrations to dredge up an explanation of why all this was still a good idea.

I wanted to be angrier than I was. Id brought Eugene here so he could live in the real world for however long he could stand it; now he and Shauna were acting out their own private little porno film script, complete with ludicrous plot, hotel room setting and loser co-star guaranteed to intrude at the height of the action. Implausible though the scenario was, it was clearly a big step up for my socially retarded colleague Eugene. None of it could have happened while he lived at in his grandmothers house. I finally decided Eugene and Shauna's liaison was evidence that the whole trip was a good idea and I would take no more shit from either of them.


I thought of driving around for another few hours before going back to the hotel, out of either bitterness or generosity, I'm not sure which. I wanted them to do whatever they were going to do with each other and to know the whole time that Id brought them together and I was in charge of the trip. I finally got back to the room three and a half hours after Id left, surveying the room in the dim light through the open door. For at least a minute I examined the sillohuette shadow I cast over the two of them, imagining what had happened while I was gone. Shauna was asleep in the inside bed. Eugene lay in a sleeping bag on the floor beside her.

Christ. I cant put him in charge of anything.


I crept in and closed the door behind me, forgetting the place would be pitch black with the curtains closed. I put my backpack down beside the door, lifted my arms into sleepwalking position and lumbered toward the bathroom, somehow hitting the TV with my elbow before Id found it with my fingers. I was glad I wasnt trying to steal anything.

I closed the bathroom door as quietly as I could and turned on the light, but the light was one of those hotel bathroom lights that automatically activates the fan when the switch is on, and the fan sounded like a jet taking off in the quiet of the hotel room, so after several seconds of wondering what to do I turned off the light, noisily locked the door and sat on top of the toilet seat in the dark, fumbling for toothpaste and a toothbrush from inside the overnight bag I was pretty sure was mine. At that moment I didn't care whose toothbrush I used, in fact, or even who found out about it. It felt good to be free of such concerns, as if the world were suddenly a little more my own and I could use any damn toothbrush I wanted. I should live the rest of my life that way, I immediately decided, as if the world would always be dark and silent and when I find something that suits my immediate needs I wouldnt waste time stressing about all the meaningless details. Excited about my new life, slowly remembering how tired I was, I removed my shoes and wondered how I might get out of my clothes and into the bed by the door without waking Shauna or stepping on Eugene.

I heard one of the hotel room doors close outside and wasnt sure if it had been ours or not. Sounded like it was. I rinsed my mouth out as fast as I could, picked up my shoes, opened the door again and stumbled toward the crease of light from under the front door. As I pulled it open I remembered that the sound might have been a maniac with an axe entering our room, but I tend to put off worrying about such things until after its too late, as I then realized I just had. Looking back into the room with light falling through the open doorway, I could see Shauna still in place under her covers. Eugene's sleeping bag was open and empty.

I grabbed into my pocket to make sure I still had the key, then slipped outside, closing the door behind me. I hobbled around the corner by the hotel office, trying to pull my shoes on as I did so. Eugene was moving up the sidewalk toward the row of fast-food places in the distance. I pulled on my second shoe and caught up with him. He kept walking and looking forward, like he was deaf, or expecting me.

"Hey, Eugene."

He took a deep breath. "Hi."

"Whats up?"

"I'm gonna get something to eat."

"Did you guys ever order a pizza?"

"No."

"Did you eat anything?"

"Shauna had some crackers and stuff. I'm pretty hungry."

"Huh."

We kept walking in silence for a while. I was glad Eugene was at least going to eat. I was not looking forward to tomorrow morning. Shauna was hard enough to get along with when she was well fed.

"Shauna wants to go home," Eugene said.

"Shauna wants to go home?"

"Yeah."

"Did she tell you to tell me she wants to go home?"

"She just told me she wants to go home."

"Is she going to tell me that herself?"

"I dont know," Eugene shrugged. "I guess so."

I didn't know what to say. I knew the trip wasnt going very well. "So, whats going on with you two? Howd it go?" The minute I said it I felt like an idiot.

"Howd what go?"

"I just meant, like, your time together, tonight. You know. I mean, did you have a good time talking, or..."

"Yeah, it was...it was weird."

"How was it weird?"

"I'm still kinda thinking about it."

"Huh. What'd you do?"

"I hate to say it, but I'm not sure how much Shauna wants me to tell you."

"Yeah, okay."

We both stopped talking. I kept thinking about how Id said "yeah, okay" instead of trying to get him to tell me what theyd done. It was like there were three people in the conversation, and I was two of them.



We finally got back to the hotel room, but I dont think Eugene slept very well. I was out like a dead rock.

The next morning we finally got breakfast back at Pokeys and got on the road by eleven, which was surprisingly early. None of us had much to say to one another. That saved some time.

Shauna stared out her window in the passenger seat, the way I used to when I was a kid. By that morning she and I had moved beyond awkward silences and we were each treating the other like the foreign exchange student on a school field trip. Communication in English was possible, but too tedious to bother with. Strangely, this meant things were much more peaceful than they had been before. I thought about how animosity is dredged up not by our differences, but by the things we have in common. I get along fine with people who dont speak English, as long as theyre not choosing the radio station.

"Eugene asleep?" I asked. His breathing sounded like he was comatose in the back seat. I glanced at him in the rear view mirror. He was slumped sideways over the sleeping bags piled on top of the computer.

"Yeah," Shauna said. "I dont think he got any sleep last night."

"Yeah, he was up pretty late."

"Are you okay? Sleep-wise?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Let me know if you get tired or anything, okay?"

"Thanks. I will."

Shauna stared out the window again. I turned my eyes toward her for a moment. It was warm inside the car and she was wearing a sleeveless shirt. The skin on her arms was really smooth. I sortof wished I hadnt noticed.

"So, you and Eugene are getting along really well," I said.

"Yeah we are." She sounded like she wasnt sure she agreed with herself, but thats what she said.

I gave what I hoped was a non-threatening smile. "So...I mean, would you say you had a crush on him, when you were a kid?"

"Yeah, I did"

"Uh-huh?"

"He was my sisters friend. I mean, so were you. But I always thought Eugene was, just, from another planet. It was like he knew everything."

"Would you say you still see him like that? I mean, it seems to be working out really well, you two...getting along so well."

She turned to look at the floor of the car, probably deciding whether or not to say anything else. Finally she said "Its made me feel safe to be with Eugene."

"Is this the kind of safe where once youre done feeling safe for a while, youll want to go find someone else whos exciting and dangerous?"

She was irritated again. "Toby, theres no answer for that question."

I probably shouldnt have said anything. I went back to just driving.

Finally she continued. "I dont feel safe with most people."

I turned toward her for a minute, then looked back at the road. I got the same weird feeling Id had speaking to Eugene the night before, as if someone besides me were having this conversation with Shauna. I was irritated that she felt safe with Eugene but didn't like me. What I said was "Its good that you feel safe with him."

I kept facing forward and Shauna kept looking out the window. I figured shed probably resume her reading from Heart of Darkness so we wouldnt start arguing again. Maybe she was waiting for Eugene to wake up.


After a few minutes, she started speaking again, gradually. "So...Eugene and I were talking last night, and...he told me you saved his life."

"He did?"

"Yeah. He said he...tried to kill himself once, and you stopped him."

I think I snickered, or grimaced, or something. I tried not to. "What else did he tell you?"

"He said you were really important to him."

"Huh." I kept expecting Eugene to wake up.

"He actually didn't tell me much about what happened," Shauna said, turning to look at me.

I took a deep breath and did my best to sound respectful. "He tried to slash his wrists with a tape dispenser."

Shauna stared at me, with no expression on her face. I continued, trying to sound as truthful as I could without actually lying. "The serrated part at the end, where you cut the tape. He used that. I took it away from him."

"Are you making fun of him?" she asked. It was kindof a relief when she did.

"I know it sounds like I'm joking, but I'm not." I looked over my shoulder and signaled to change lanes. "It was hard to know whether to take it seriously. I figured it mighta been one of those things people do because they want attention. People get pretty desperate sometimes. You know."

Shauna kept staring at me, like she expected me to say something else that I wasnt going to say. Finally she turned back and looked out her window again. "Its good that he had a friend like you," she said.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. "I moved to Idaho not long after that."


The conversation stopped again, but I felt like Shauna and I had stepped over an electric fence and could finally talk to each other. I had questions I wanted to ask her, at least. For several minutes I just kept driving without saying anything, wondering how I could start the conversation again without making her feel like she was on the witness stand. I tend to do that to people.

"So...Eugene said you wanted to go home."

"He told you that?"

"Was he not supposed to?"

"Its not important."

"Do you think youre going to want us to drop you off at a bus stop or something?"

"Dont worry about it."

"Well, Shauna...if you to make. I swallowed and said "So, if you feel comfortable with Eugene, and he doesnt feel comfortable with you, you mean?"

She sighed. "Sure."

I shrugged. "Well...you know, Eugene's really a good guy, but hes...really awkward around women." I still wasnt sure what her question was.

We went back to not saying anything again. This was getting stupid. I said "So, I mean, how do you really feel about Eugene? Would you say you like him? I mean, are you attracted to him? Because he really likes you."

"I dont know," she said.

"Well, what do you mean you dont know? Do you mean you like him and dont want to deal with liking anybody, or do you mean youre attracted to him but you think hes a loser, or what?"

"Toby, I dont know." Her voice got angrily quiet, as if she would have shouted if Eugene hadnt been asleep right behind us.

I shuffled in my seat. "I'm sorry. It just seems like you like Eugene so much because you want to flirt with somebody whos not going to hurt you."

"Is there something wrong with flirting with someone because theyre not going to hurt you?"

"Whats wrong with that is, he deserves to be taken seriously."

"Toby, I'm taking him seriously," she spat back.

Now Shauna turned toward the back seat. It was hard to believe Eugene was still asleep. Maybe he was faking. Shau crying, but thats when I noticed. "I wasnt going to fuck him, so stop thinking about it. I just wanted to be there with him. And yes, part of that was because I believed he wasnt going to hurt me. But I also just liked him. And its been a long time since I liked someone so much that I thought more about what did happen with him than what might happen with him. It was really nice not to be distracted by how he might be a homocidal maniac. And I dont need to hear your na‹ve analysis about it."

I didn't know what to say. I was really angry, but I wanted her to keep talking. She shuffled in her seat and continued. "What Eugene needs is to start making his own decisions. And I agree, hes never going to do that while hes living at his grandmothers house. But I really dont think youve been setting a very good example either, frankly. But I cant just come in and start making his decisions. And I so much wish I could help him. And I know you wish you could help him, too. But we cant."

I wanted to just shake my head, but I didn't. I felt like I was driving a car full of explosives. I just wanted to pull over and let myself out. If I could have done it, I would have.



Copyright 2002 Betsy Shebang