Betsy Shebang - Column for 1/8

A Hard Day's Fellowship

I'm exhausted, so this'll be quick. Now that you've all either seen Lord of the Rings or failed to bribe your way out of the ICU after the accident, I am at last free to discuss it openly. Everybody knows that putting a treasured epic novel into a mass-market film is like whittling a sacred totem pole into souvenier baseball bats, but like millions of other adventure-loving filmgoers, I rushed out to see the film, making sure to read the books immediately beforehand so everything they got wrong would be fresh in my mind.

For those of you unfamiliar with the plot of Lord of the Rings, here's a brief synopsis:

The Lord of the Rings is about four adorable goofballs from a little-known corner of the U.K. who travel across very treacherous scary lands to sing songs and destroy things. They're like the midget Beatles, really, except everywhere they go they get chased by orcs instead of young women, although the amount of saliva produced is about the same. Actually, everybody in this movie has phlegm problems, which come from saying "Morgh-dorgh, mohrch-dohrgh, ech, hack, cough (spit)".

Gandalf sends them off to find Tom Bombadil, but they get lost and wind up going directly to Brie, where Gandalf's not ready to meet them. This is bad, since Tom Bombadil was supposed to be played by either Bob Dylan or Tiny Tim. Gandalf's friend Spreader hasn't had time to shave, but he rescues them. Hereafter, the hobbits make the mistake of allowing people with stubble to make the decisions. (Remember, hobbits: Stubble = trouble.) Fortunately, just when their quest seems to be on the brink of disaster in the middle of the woods, they run into a clean-shaven race of blonde-haired Canadian musicians called Elves. Frodo wakes up in bed next to Gandalf, as he so often has, and the hobbits are introduced to Joni Mitchell and Aimee Mann while the wizard talks shop with the leader of the elves, L. Ron - here powerfully played by the drummer from Rush, his hair braided with more extensions than the live version of YYZ.

For some reason Rivendell is also visted by Dwarves, a race of short bikers with an ancient and noble culture consisting mostly of complaining about Elves. (heir complaints are mostly of the "They're taller, they're smarter, they're better looking, they're immortal" variety - I think they're complaining to the director, in fact. When feeling balanced and spiritual, however, the Dwarves have been known to complain directly to God. It is rumored this is why they were long ago asked to move underground.) The Dwarves, like many oppressed peoples, are renowned for their skills at mining and living near toxic waste dumps. In a dramatic voiceover, we learn that the Dwarves were created when ancient demons deep in the Earth cross-bred Klingons and Ewoks, and it is this warlike parantage that caused them to take up smoking, which stunted their grown and also did that thing to their voice.

L. Ron is upset because the Canadian Musicians have gone to great lengths to avoid becoming known in the rest of the world, but the loveable antics of the four hobbits, combined with the Lilith Fair, are likely to expose them to worldwide press coverage. The four lads from the shire nevertheless begin booking themselves as the Midget Beatles and hire the Hell's Angels as security guards, played by more tall Americans with stubble. Fortunately, the Americans are kept under control with lots of dramatic close-up shots of coat pockets and hands slowly opening.