Betsy Shebang - Column for 1/1
(Betsy has the day off, but will
return to this space next week.)
Marty & Aidan's End-Of-Year Newsletter
(Those of you in a hurry can
just skim for the highlighted parts!)
Dear Friends and
Family:
Well, goodbye 2001, and good riddance! I don't know about you,
but I think 2001 took the prize for SURREAL SHIT HITTING THE REAL FAN!
How many of you, looking back at the events of the past twelve months, just plum
forgot that Spring 2001 even happened? Huh? Well, I don't know about you, but
I'm not gonna let my whole darn year of precious memories be replaced by a
montage of repeating CNN footage! Stuff happened this year, and here's our
newsletter to prove it!
Sometimes, the end of the year comes and I feel
like I haven't accomplished anything. It seems like only this afternoon, for
example, that I suffered a panic attack from the sudden realization that I had
only twenty minutes left to do something worthwhile with 1993. I mean, what can
you do in twenty minutes to redeem a wasted year? Leave a voicemail telling your
boss you quit? Throw away your collection of old newspapers? Vow to live
differently from now on? Drink?
This year, my wife Aidan and I set firm
goals, and in the end, we accomplished many things! Let's check
in:
First, we've met our goal of NOT DYING. When we put our heads
together on what we wanted to accomplish in 2001, this was right at the top of
the list!
Always eager to please, Aidan has clung enthusiastically to her
favorite hobby of CHANGING HER MIND ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH HER LIFE. I
swear, life with this woman is like crossing the country in a car that only
turns left!
Meanwhile, I've kept busy cultivating my own favorite
pastime, COMPLAINING ABOUT MY JOB WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. This
has taken up most of my time for almost a year now! Unfortunately, I'm going to
be officially laid off as of January 4th, so it looks like I'll have to find
something else to complain about in 2002 - like, say, UNEMPLOYMENT! Watch
this space!
When we got married in late 2000, I worried that my thriving
social pool would dry into a puddle of warm goo, but with 2001 have come
unexpected new adventures, such as AWKWARDLY INTRODUCING MY WIFE TO MY
EX-GIRLFRIENDS AT PARTIES. I tell you, fella, you haven't confronted the
mystery of life until your wife tells you your ex-girlfriend is very attractive
and you wonder what to say in response while you struggle to remember what your
ex looks like with her clothes on. Oh, well - it takes two to tango! As our
first full year of marriage, 2001 has given Aidan and myself the opportunity to
pursue many long-held interests, such as CONVERSING ABOUT DIGESTION,
SHOPPING AS REVENGE and ARGUING ABOUT STUFF WE AGREE ABOUT. With
the coupling of our emotional and financial lives has also come a strengthened
ability to SPEND MONEY ILL-ADVISEDLY. When it comes to creatively
rationalizing poor financial decisions, two heads really are better than
one!
Those of us who we've tried to arrange a visit may have noticed yet
another exciting demand on our schedules - we've been devoting some time to
REPLACING THE CRAPPY CAR THAT WE BOUGHT WHEN WE REPLACED OUR CRAPPY CAR LAST
YEAR. I even got in an accident on a test drive! To everything, there is a
season, indeed!
Lastly, despite all that hullabaloo about suicide
bombings and eternal religious conflicts and what's the point of living in a
world populated only by bloodthirsty dogs and vengeful wolves and stupid cows
and angry sheep, it has been refreshing to WATCH OUR FRIENDS START
FAMILIES. It's weird how my friends' babies are coming in waves, as if
they're going out of their way to breed, in a single generation, a super-race of
babysitters genetically engineered to watch skillfully over my infant children
while I'm off collecting my Oscars or whatever. Well, I must say, it's more
fulfilling than WATCHING OUR FRIENDS DEVELOP PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH
PETS, which occupied so many hours in 1999 and 2000.
Well, that's
about it for us. From both of us to all of you, may your 2002 be more pleasant,
and less interesting, than 2001. Keep in touch!
Marty
Copyright 2002 Raining Goldfish
